March 24; Spring Break

Going on Spring Break - Too Much Political action led to exhaustion...

We will be back at it soon!

:)

March 14: Cheney "Helps" Bernake

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11:03 AM EST Friday March 14, 2008

BehindTheCurtain: Mr. Bernake?

FedHead: I am quite busy Mr. Vice President, can this wait?

BehindTheCurtain: What's up?

FedHead: Bear Stearns is nearly bankrupt and we are trying to avoid a stock market crash

BehindTheCurtain: Welcome to my life

FedHead: I don't understand

BehindTheCurtain: I save the world every day...
BehindTheCurtain: Interested in any assistance?

FedHead: O.K. Dr. Evil, I could use some help

BehindTheCurtain: First, I don't appreciate that nickname
BehindTheCurtain: Second, the stock market solution is easy

FedHead: Sorry about the nickname - I'm listening

BehindTheCurtain: You need to inject money into the situation
BehindTheCurtain: Print a LOT of money

FedHead: How much?

BehindTheCurtain: A Milllllllllion Billlllllllion Dollllllllllllars!

FedHead: Isn't that inflationary?

BehindTheCurtain: Totally

FedHead: Well, I have to contain inflation AND hold interest rates

BehindTheCurtain: I see the conflict

FedHead: Under your plan either inflation goes up, up, up or interest rates go up

BehindTheCurtain: Ask yourself, which one doesn't matter?

FedHead: Well, inflation will make matters worse,
FedHead: But homes are not selling despite falling prices and low interest rates

BehindTheCurtain: So,...

FedHead: I raise interest rates to prevent inflation?

BehindTheCurtain: Nobody wants to see Budweiser cost as much as Heineken

FedHead: You drink Heineken?

BehindTheCurtain: No, but voters do

FedHead: I gotcha

BehindTheCurtain: As for Bear Stearns - they had it coming

FedHead: I kinda agree

BehindTheCurtain: I see it like this:
BehindTheCurtain: Bear Stearns is Iraq
BehindTheCurtain: They are screwed, blued and tatooed but there aint crap we can do about it

FedHead: o.k.......

BehindTheCurtain: J.P.Morgan is like Iran
BehindTheCurtain: They hate Iraq but they would take advantage of a situation if they could

FedHead: And buy Bear Stearns?

BehindTheCurtain: Exactly

FedHead: But together that's a bigger, smellier mess, isn't it?

BehindTheCurtain: It's like being in charge of sanitation in Iraq
BehindTheCurtain: You come to work every day and say to yourself: This is a crap job and I just don't know where to start

FedHead: I don't totally follow that but I see when needs to be done

BehindTheCurtain: Print money and bail-out the Bear, BUT stay on top of inflation

FedHead: Got it!

BehindTheCurtain: One thing, Ben...

FedHead: Wat's that?

BehindTheCurtain: If anyone asks, you need to say two things:
BehindTheCurtain: First, this is the "Bush-McCain America Plan"
BehindTheCurtain: Second, Hillary and Obama were not helpful and you had to go forward without them

FedHead: Not a problem
FedHead: Democrats don't understand economics anyway

BehindTheCurtain: Precisely!
BehindTheCurtain: You are starting to really understand
BehindTheCurtain: I will call you my "Little Evil Fed"

FedHead: Not sure I am ready for that, sir

BehindTheCurtain: Then this will be our little secret

FedHead: O.k.

BehindTheCurtain: Call if you need anything else

FedHead: Will-do

BehindTheCurtain: Bye...

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March 13: Dean and Obama Negotiate

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8:35 PM EST Thursday March 13, 2008

It'sMyParty: Senator?

BigMo4DC: Hi Howard

It'sMyParty: We need to talk about the Michigan and Florida proposals

BigMo4DC: What's there to talk about?

It'sMyParty: We need your feedback on the plan

BigMo4DC: O.K. - any plan Hillary endorses, we are suspicious
BigMo4DC: Do I need to be more specific?

It'sMyParty: C'mon, Barack, I need you to work with me

BigMo4DC: I am supposed to work with you while you are being mitigated behind the scenes by Hillary?

It'sMyParty: Don't you think that's a bit paranoid?


BigMo4DC: WHO is speaking?

It'sMyParty: Knock if off

BigMo4DC: They are working around you not through you and they lie to you every day

It'sMyParty: I am not worried about underhanded stuff like that
It'sMyParty: I run the DNC, what would they do to me?

BigMo4DC: Remember that photo of me in cultural clothes?
BigMo4DC: They wanted America to think I was Muslim

It'sMyParty: What are you getting at?

BigMo4DC: They would do the same thing to you

It'sMyParty: No Way - Never

BigMo4DC: Oh yeah?
BigMo4DC: Well, they are circulating this picture:













It'sMyParty: HOLY EFFING CRAP!

BigMo4DC: Welcome to Reality - enjoy your stay

It'sMyParty: This is horrible!
It'sMyParty: I don't even know Michael Jackson!

BigMo4DC: Uhh,... that's Janet Jackson

It'sMyParty: Sorry - it's really hard to tell them apart these-days

BigMo4DC: Just remember Michael has the better figure
BigMo4DC: And he uses more makeup

It'sMyParty: Oh yeah - right, right right...

BigMo4DC: Anyway, it is clear to you that the Clintons will stop at nothing?

It'sMyParty: That is now QUITE clear

BigMo4DC: O.K. - first, go deal with your picture
BigMo4DC: second, come back with a plan that makes sense in Florida and Michigan

It'sMyParty: Sounds like a plan

BigMo4DC: Good luck

It'sMyParty: You hang in there

BigMo4DC: Story of my life...

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March 12: Al Makes an Inconvenient Request

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5:21 AM EST Wednesday February 27, 2008

$avingThePlanet: Senator?

BigMo4DC: Good Morning, Al
BigMo4DC: Very nice to hear from you

$avingThePlanet: Great win in Mississippi

BigMo4DC: It's a good feeling

$avingThePlanet: I can imagine

BigMo4DC: A lot of work to do in Pennsylvania
BigMo4DC: And we're waiting for that putz Howard Dean to sort out Michigan and Florida

$avingThePlanet: I really would appreciate it if you didn't use that word around me

BigMo4DC: Putz?

$avingThePlanet: No,... Florida

BigMo4DC: On my gosh, Al - I'm sorry
BigMo4DC: It still stings?

$avingThePlanet: Only when I am awake or breathing

BigMo4DC: Ouch
BigMo4DC: Anyway - what can I do for you?

$avingThePlanet: Well, Kerry and I are on your side

BigMo4DC: Thank you very much, Al
BigMo4DC: Just don't tell me you want a cabinet post or something like Edwards did

$avingThePlanet: He what?

BigMo4DC: He wants to parlay his delegates into a shot at being US Attorney General

$avingThePlanet: That's certainly assumptive and opportunistic...

BigMo4DC: No Kidding.

$avingThePlanet: What did you tell him?

BigMo4DC: I told him he was on the list and chill out for now

$avingThePlanet: Good call
$avingThePlanet: I would never ask for something like that

BigMo4DC: You are above it

$avingThePlanet: I might offer support in exchange for an ambassadorship - but never, ever the prestige of a cabinet post

BigMo4DC: Uh,... what are you getting at?

$avingThePlanet: To be named an ambassador is below radar and not a huge thing to ask

BigMo4DC: Ambassador to where?

$avingThePlanet: The moon

BigMo4DC: Ha - you finally tell a funny joke!

$avingThePlanet: Actually it wasn't a joke

BigMo4DC: You are serious?
BigMo4DC: You want to be ambassador to the moon?

$avingThePlanet: The moon carries mythic and scientific relevance for the people of earth
$avingThePlanet: It remains an under-represented force in our everyday lives
$avingThePlanet: We have visited, but we never returned
$avingThePlanet: How do you think the moon feels about that?

BigMo4DC: I need to lay down and put a cold cloth on my head
BigMo4DC: Then, I am going to call Ted Kennedy

$avingThePlanet: Why call Teddy?

BigMo4DC: It is time for me to start drinking heavily and I need to consult an expert

$avingThePlanet: That's a little extreme, Senator

BigMo4DC: Not from where I sit...

$avingThePlanet: At least think it over

BigMo4DC: Yeah - over a triple Scotch and water

$avingThePlanet: I am going to go now -
$avingThePlanet: You need some contemplation time

BigMo4DC: I think I need more than that

$avingThePlanet: Like what?

BigMo4DC: Like sanity to return to many, many people

$avingThePlanet: You go lay down

BigMo4DC: Bye

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March 11: Edwards Calls To Bemoan

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11:36 PM EST Wednesday March 11, 2008

Delegates4U: John?

IStillMatter: Hey
IStillMatter: What's up?

Delegates4U: I don't get the whole Spitzer thing

IStillMatter: What part?

Delegates4U: He has a couple rolls in the hay with "work-for-hire staff" and bingo - there goes his whole career

IStillMatter: I think I know what you are thinking
IStillMatter: Bill "Teflon" Clinton banged half of Arkansas and groped the other half

Delegates4U: Damn straight!
Delegates4U: More like Bill "Latex" Clinton

IStillMatter: A lot of people are pissed about this...

Delegates4U: I get hammered for being a plaintiffs trial lawyer
Delegates4U: But an entire law firm could retire on Bill Clinton harassment cases

IStillMatter: Agree

Delegates4U: Hillary made me out to be some monster

IStillMatter: You're too cute to be a monster

Delegates4U: Thanks, but you are NOT helping

IStillMatter: Did you IM me to vent or do you have a question?
IStillMatter: Letterman's Top Ten is coming up and I don't want to miss it

Delegates4U: Record it or download it tomorrow

IStillMatter: Download it?
IStillMatter: How?

Delegates4U: The Internet

IStillMatter: Can't - I'm on bad terms with Gore
IStillMatter: A couple years back Al was going to have someone install it for me

Delegates4U: WHAT?

IStillMatter: We had a petty argument and that was that...

Delegates4U: You have no Internet because you had a spat with Al?!?!?!?

IStillMatter: Yep, it sucks.

Delegates4U: I don't know where to begin... nevermind.
Delegates4U: Then TIVO it

IStillMatter: What's TIVO?
IStillMatter: Isn't he one of the Jackson 5?

Delegates4U: That's TITO you dolt!

IStillMatter: Don't raise your voice
IStillMatter: Anyway, I can't record it - I am out of blank VHS tapes

Delegates4U: Maybe it's best you were not elected President

IStillMatter: WTF?

Delegates4U: The bi-planes you would have sent to Afghanistan would have been shot down

IStillMatter: har, har, har
IStillMatter: Listen, you are getting hostile and I am getting pissed
IStillMatter: Seriously, I don't want to miss the Top Ten

Delegates4U: Unbelievable!

IStillMatter: Really, do you have a question or not?

Delegates4U: I have a helluva lot more than when I started this thread
Delegates4U: But I now have a headache and don't want to even begin...

IStillMatter: COOL!

Delegates4U: What?

IStillMatter: The list is "Top Ten Messages Left On Eliot Spitzer's Answering Machine"

Delegates4U: Why is that cool?

IStillMatter: Whenever it is NOT about me, I am happy

Delegates4U: You have low standards, my friend

IStillMatter: Checkout number 9 "It's Barack Obama. Remember our conversation about being my running mate? Nevermind."
IStillMatter: I still have a chance!

Delegates4U: To be Obama's VP?
Delegates4U: I had no idea you were even interested

IStillMatter: At this point I am up for anything
IStillMatter: Listen, I gotta go - I don't want to miss the rest of the list

Delegates4U: Later...

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March 10: Hannity and Colmes Plan Ahead

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9:17 AM EST Monday March 10, 2008

I'mRightI'mHannity: Alan?

ColmesFox: Hey Sean

I'mRightI'mHannity: Have you seen the calendar?

ColmesFox: Yeah, I know, I know...
ColmesFox: After Mississippi, we're screwed for election results until April 22nd

I'mRightI'mHannity: Who the heck planned this?

ColmesFox: The political parties did

I'mRightI'mHannity: There ya' go...
I'mRightI'mHannity: What are we gonna do?

ColmesFox: Well,... there is the matter of the Virgin Islands on April 5th

I'mRightI'mHannity: So?

ColmesFox: I have an idea
ColmesFox: We do the show LIVE from the Virgin Islands

I'mRightI'mHannity: C'mon, Alan - Fox would never set-up our whole show in the Virgin Islands for one night of election returns

ColmesFox: You are correct - but that's not my idea

I'mRightI'mHannity: Elaborate for me

ColmesFox: The last of the pundits will rehash the Mississippi results Wednesday
ColmesFox: The viewers will THEN be tortured with hours of daily BS about Super Delegates and Pennsylvania
ColmesFox: Fox will EXPECT US to be part of that!

I'mRightI'mHannity: It's going to be just brutal on our ratings
I'mRightI'mHannity: People will watch Jeopardy instead...
I'mRightI'mHannity: You know, I have always thought Alex Trebeck is a Canadian socialist pig

ColmesFox: Stay with me, Sean

I'mRightI'mHannity: Sorry

ColmesFox: That's why we do something really special

I'mRightI'mHannity: Alan, if it's a good idea, I'm in

ColmesFox: O.k., we go to the Virgin Islands Wednesday and set-up the studio
ColmesFox: Starting Thursday we do the show as a "LIVE Virgin Islands Countdown" every day until the primary on April 5th

I'mRightI'mHannity: What about our Wednesday show?

ColmesFox: Greta can cover for us with one of her random college co-ed disappearance stories

I'mRightI'mHannity: But viewers would be expecting Mississippi election analysis

ColmesFox: Honestly, Sean - what's the difference?

I'mRightI'mHannity: Good point
I'mRightI'mHannity: Let's get back to your plan...

ColmesFox: Right. So, we grab viewer interest with clever teasers
ColmesFox: For example, "The Democratic race is so close, The Virgins could be the difference"
ColmesFox: "Obama vs. Clinton - Who's leading with Virgins?"
ColmesFox: "Who will carry the vote with Billionaire tax-cheat expatriots?"

I'mRightI'mHannity: Alan, this is simply brilliant!

ColmesFox: Can you see Dick Morris in a casual flowers shirt pontificating while sipping a tropical drink with an umbrella in it?

I'mRightI'mHannity: Not only can I picture that - I am getting thirsty myself!

ColmesFox: On top of it, we NEED and DESERVE a vacation

I'mRightI'mHannity: For once I agree with you 100%

ColmesFox: In my book, screwing off for a week should be a non-partisan effort!

I'mRightI'mHannity: Let the countdown begin!

ColmesFox: I have only 1 request...

I'mRightI'mHannity: What is it?

ColmesFox: No O'Reilly

I'mRightI'mHannity: Why?

ColmesFox: We don't want - and don't need - him doing No-Spin-Zone remotes with vacationers on those effing cruise ships

I'mRightI'mHannity: That's a valid concern

ColmesFox: And if Bill shows up, Covuto will want to show up and if Covuto shows up Greta will want to be there and and work-up some weird Aruba - Virgin Islands connection.

I'mRightI'mHannity: Calm down - I gotcha

ColmesFox: The only valid tag-along on our deal is Brit Hume. After all, he IS the Fox political reporter.

I'mRightI'mHannity: Totally agree with you

ColmesFox: I'll call the boss at 9:30 and pitch the concept

I'mRightI'mHannity: I'll call him at 9:45 and back you up

ColmesFox: Perfect!
ColmesFox: Wish me luck!

I'mRightI'mHannity: Good luck buddy!

ColmesFox: Did you just call me "buddy"?

I'mRightI'mHannity: Uhh,... yeah

ColmesFox: I am beginning to think that deep down, you care

I'mRightI'mHannity: I do Alan. We just disagree on some things.

ColmesFox: No argument

I'mRightI'mHannity: Now go close the deal!

ColmesFox: I'm on it!

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March 9: Bill Is Still Bill

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1:45 PM EST Sunday March 9, 2008

It'sNotOver: Hey Bill?

LoveBubba: Good-job in Wyoming

It'sNotOver: Shut up

LoveBubba: 59,000 Democrat voters in the state and you could have practically called 51% of them yourself.

It'sNotOver: I just love how supportive you are

LoveBubba: And I love how I have been sent to Humidity-Township, Mississippi to speak to nobody

It'sNotOver: Closed topic
It'sNotOver: All of this won't matter after the Super Delegates go our way

LoveBubba: I'm not hearing good things on that front, babe

It'sNotOver: We will win the overall popular vote,
It'sNotOver: We crushed Obama in Ohio and we won TX and CA
It'sNotOver: We WILL FORCE the party to select me

LoveBubba: Maybe so, but Obama will be a problem
LoveBubba: I'm thinking he won't take the VP slot

It'sNotOver: Why the hell not?

LoveBubba: He talks to Gore...
LoveBubba: That can't be good

It'sNotOver: I knew that unappreciative, green blimp would betray us!

LoveBubba: Easy does it, Hilla
LoveBubba: I sorta figured it would happen

It'sNotOver: Why can't everyone just do what we tell them?

LoveBubba: They think for themselves these-days
LoveBubba: And what did you do to upset Oprah?

It'sNotOver: ?

LoveBubba: She is p-i-s-s-e-d

It'sNotOver: Not worried

LoveBubba: Millions of viewers and tons of influence, honey

It'sNotOver: Why can't you look at the bright side?

LoveBubba: I am trying to find one

It'sNotOver: Stop it!

LoveBubba: There is a good thing about campaigning down South

It'sNotOver: What is it?

LoveBubba: Lots of Hooters

It'sNotOver: What?

LoveBubba: It's a restaurant and they are everywhere
LoveBubba: On every corner - like gas stations in big cities

It'sNotOver: Is this where the girls wear orange hot pants
It'sNotOver: AND t-shirts that are 2-sizes too small?

LoveBubba: THAT'S THEM
LoveBubba: Nice family atmosphere

It'sNotOver: Family?

LoveBubba: Well, Dad's and boys - that's a big part of most families, right?

It'sNotOver: UGH!
It'sNotOver: PLEASE do not get photographed in a Hooters!

LoveBubba: I tell you, Southerners must be powered by hot wings and Bud Light

It'sNotOver: I DO NOT like any of this

LoveBubba: The Hooters girls love me
LoveBubba: And they weren't even old enough to vote in 1992

It'sNotOver: Ahem, are they old enough to drive today?

LoveBubba: Good point - I'll have an assistant start pre-secreening

It'sNotOver: Three words: Age-Of-Consent

LoveBubba: Whatever...
LoveBubba: I am like a rock star!

It'sNotOver: I want you back at campaign HQ tomorrow morning

LoveBubba: I'm thinking no

It'sNotOver: If you start a controversy, I will kill you

LoveBubba: Ooooh, there's a headline
LoveBubba: Anyway - I gotta go...
LoveBubba: I have a speech to do before the Atlanta NASCAR race starts

It'sNotOver: Seriously, you need to come back to HQ

LoveBubba: YOU sent me out here and I am finally getting used to it
LoveBubba: So, YOU get back to preparing for Pennsylvania
LoveBubba: I'll be sure the people of Mississippi still love me
LoveBubba: I mean,... vote for you

It'sNotOver: I'm sending a plane to get you

LoveBubba: It's flying back empty, honey
LoveBubba: You need to think green and not waste fuel like that

It'sNotOver: You are dead

LoveBubba: Maybe, but not today
LoveBubba: I gotta go, the National Anthem is in 5 minutes and then the race starts
LoveBubba: I'm starting to really like NASCAR

It'sNotOver: This is my moment and you are threatening to screw it up!

LoveBubba: Later, babe

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March 7: Bush is Confused

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5:15 AM EST Friday March 7, 2008

I'mTheMan: George?

Bush43: Please, call me George

I'mTheMan: Uh,... Hi George

Bush43: Hello Senator

I'mTheMan: Thanks for the endorsement and media exposure
I'mTheMan: And especially for the wonderful White House visit

Bush43: No sweat!
Bush43: It's nothing compared to what we'll do when you clinch the nomination in Denver

I'mTheMan: Uh,... I already clinched and...
I'mTheMan: the Democrats will be in Denver

Bush43: At the same time?!?!?!
Bush43: Holy crap!
Bush43: Someone is in deep dung for not checkin'!

I'mTheMan: Sir, if I may...

Bush43: Better be quick - I gotta make some phone calls and sort this crap out

I'mTheMan: First, I have already clinched the delegate count

Bush43: That's great John!
Bush43: Why didn't you say something when you were at the White House this week?

I'mTheMan: I thought the visit was to.... uhh, nevermind
I'mTheMan: Second, The Republicans will be in Minneapolis-St.Paul

Bush43: Oh,.. so somebody already figured out the Denver mess?

I'mTheMan: At this point, I am just going to say, "Yes"

Bush43: Good thing!

I'mTheMan: You will be giving a keynote address at the convention

Bush43: I am?

I'mTheMan: Yes - it's an hour-long speech

Bush43: What can I possible talk about for a whole hour?

I'mTheMan: Many people are already asking that question

Bush43: Somebody will write something nice and put it in the scrollie thingee

I'mTheMan: The what?

Bush43: The scrolliee thingee that's in front of me when I talk to crowds or people

I'mTheMan: I believe it's called a teleprompter

Bush43: Whatever, some words will be rollin' and I'll read-em
Bush43: Anyway, exactly which city is the convention in?

I'mTheMan: Excuse me?

Bush43: You said Minneapolis - St. Paul
Bush43: I need to know which one
Bush43: My job is to tell the pilot of Air Force-1

I'mTheMan: You do what?

Bush43: When I get on AF-1, I give the destination to the pilot
Bush43: I write the secret three letter airport code on a sticky note and give it to him
Bush43: Cheney set this procedure up for me

I'mTheMan: Ahhh,.. I think I understand now

I'mTheMan: Anyway, Minneapolis - St. Paul share the same airport

Bush43: Oh Crap! This is a trap!

I'mTheMan: What?

Bush43: It's a trick John, we gotta move the convention!

I'mTheMan: Why?

Bush43: First, according to the CIA, Minnesota is a Democrat state
Bush43: Second, if Minneapolis - St. Paul share an airport...
Bush43: We are gonna get hit-up for a gazillion dollar loan to build another airport so each one has it's own airport.
Bush43: We need to outwit the Democrats by not showin' up

I'mTheMan: Mr. President, as unbelievable it is for me to say this...
I'mTheMan: In my opinion, you are WAY OVER-THINKING the situation

Bush43: Really?
Bush43: I trust your judgement, John

I'mTheMan: I need to go, sir

Bush43: Okee dokee...
Bush43: Keep me posted on the campaign
Bush43: I got a feelin' in my gut that you are going to pull it off

I'mTheMan: Uh,... thank you, Mr. President

Bush43: Later - time to play horseshoes

I'mTheMan: Bye

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